i have way too much time. someone please kill me. i can't believe i spent the whole morning renovating my blog. i like this new skin. haha.. i feel so accomplished. i always feel proud of myself. i'm so easily satisfied. tsk.
it's the 2nd day into the long weekend. damn and i've done nothing. i really do not want this weekend to end. i need my breaks or i'll be broken.
i never realize how old 18 means until now. alot of things are happening which i never thought would happen if i was in sec sch. it's just so bizarre how much i experience in my 1 and a half years in ac. and i like it. it makes me grow up fast.
but there are also times whereby i wish i'm still in kindergarden and would spend my weekends playing at wendy's place and refusing to go home. sth that would not actualize now.
the other day, when i asked my mum to help me make a phonecall because i just don't feel like doing it because i think i'm still a kid. my mum was quite pissed and said "you are 18. what kid?" haha, it's so contradicting how she wants be to grow up but still tries to control me.
this sudden thought yesterday: i want to go hongkong after As. alone or with my friends (if i can find company). i was actually really tempted to go this jun hols, but i dared not even ask my parents because i know the answer even before asking.
i was expecting a fun day to end of the week and a signal to a long weekend. besides friday is a hella short day. but no! today's one of the worst day ever in j2. or my whole jc life. it's not so much about things that affected me directly but things that indirectly caused my sucky mood.
all drama happens during gp. always.
because we were so bored with lessons, we just took a break and matt was talking to mdm about this gay couple blog and decided to share it with all of us. i don't think it's nice to share the blogsite here. i don't know if this couple really wanted to publicize their relationship or it was some awful prank which just keep spreading.
when he flashed it on the projector, everyone burst into fits of laughter. some laughed because one partner had really bad english. like really bad. (the other was a lot better and sane) and some were laughing over the neoprints they took. basically, it was just a fun and leisure killing-time period and everyone was 'enjoying themselves' in their own ways. and also making a bit offensive comments, like "when i see them, i'll stone them" kinda thing. and i supposed it got a bit out of hand because gayle was really offended and she gave her one piece worth and started crying.
ok, that shocked me. if there are no emotional tags involved, i do feel that gayle over reacted a bit and despite me being a friend, i felt that it wasn't that bad. so i feel that there's probably more to it and the whole incident was the last straw.
so i could see where the class would be heading too if they don't know gayle well and there are rumours flying around about her. and true enough, after the lesson, during math lect, some girls were openly talking about it.
but seriously i could see where they were coming from and i actually thought that what bobby, amaria and matt said made sense. even if i am not that close to matt and bobby, i could understand how they felt. we had always known they had low or no tolerance for gay so i'm immune to it.
besides, i have resolved to the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. it's just like how i bitch about them for being cool-wannabes. it's the same. but i dont confront them because that's their way of life. i don't like it but i respect it. although i dont see the whole big fuss about homosexuality and they do, i just keep it to myself. and i'm the kind who wouldn't say anything unless i feel comfortable around you. my opinions are sacred. (lol)
but i was quite thankful that jolene was not around, knowing how she laugh and how insensitive she is.
it's been a really long time since someone cried in class so openly. i think the last time was when i was in sec2 in the computer lab. shit, this time it's again the com lab. the lab is cursed man. and i thought something even more dramatic was going to happen when the whole saga ended. i don't know if i actually felt relieved that nothing of what i thought was going to happen happened. if not it would be another round of dramatic episode.
i am always troubled when things like that happen. it makes me think too much and it makes me moody the whole day. i was just happy that there's a long weekend for everyone to simmer down.
on a lighter note, we were just wondering if they'd think that we are les. haha. so i was like shit, we need to get attached to prove it to them. i was joking. i am not that superficial and stupid. and besides, i have an attraction for guys, though i do say that wah, this girl is damn hot.
ok, i felt that we did a good job. at least it wasn't kiddish and everything was carried out smoothly apart from some unexpected hitches. i'm happy! and satisfied. but too bad it got shortened to a day camp instead of an overnight camp.
alrite, so now this camp is over and i've no excuse to be busy over CCA and not studying.. my sis is freaking me out. she studies like no one else's business. and i'm doing As and she's just doing her Os. freaky hardworking sis = scared and paranoid seeyun
i need to do this shoutout: LIZ!! i need to talk to you really soon. i feel that i'm such a hypocrite.
which phone should i get? i can change phones soon.. haha. another thing to be happy about.
*1.3 Megapixel Camera with 8 x digital zoom and Photolight
*Secondary in-built VGA front camera for video calls
*Video Recording
*Supported Messaging: MMS, EMS, SMS, Instant Messaging and E-Mail
*Supported Audio: MP3, AAC, AAC+, Enhanced AAC+, RA8 and MIDI
*Supported Video: MPEG4, H.263 and RV9
*Supported Connectivity: Bluetooth (incl. A2DP) and USB
*Expandable Memory Support
*GPRS Class 10
OR
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*2 Megapixel VGA Digital Camera
*Video Recorder (60mins)
*Voice Recorder (60mins)
*6 MB Internal Memory & expansion via Mini-SD Card up to 1GB
*Universal connectivity with Bluetooth, IrDA and USB cable
*Video Call
*64 Polyphonic Ringing Tones
*Video Ringing Tones
*MMS
*Email Client
*JAVA (MIDP 2.0)
*WAP Browsing
*Data Access with 3G/EDGE/GPRS
*FM Radio (with Visual Radio)
*Music Player (MP3/MP4/AAC/eAAC+)
*Media Player
*Direct USB Printing via PictBridge
*Push To Talk (dependent on service provider)
*Supports Chinese
__________________________________
i think the nokia one sounds so much cooler. but the motorola one looks better
ok, this is seeyun's friends saga part II
now i don't know who to believe or who to listen to? i'm starting to doubt that friend i thought she was really quite poor thing. let's call her A. sometimes, i feel that because i'm the only one she can talk to and she believes that i regard her very highly as my good friend, and hence she takes me for granted? she tells me that B, the other girl i referred to the other time, has changed and blah blah blah. but then i really do not think that B has changed and i always tell A it's because she's really busy. but A thinks that she's caught up with her new friends and has neglected her.
but but but, in a new environment, you need to make friends. and if you don't find friends in your class and cling on to your sec sch friends only, that makes you a really anti-social person and you are kinda outcasted yeah?
i understand A is unable to find friends she is able to relate to in class and she's quite upset about it, but if i take myself out of 'her friend' context, i seriously wonder has she been trying or is her expectations too high? new friends cannot be clones of old friends. my class friends are really different from my clique in mg, but i love the change and it makes me more diversed instead of still holding to i'm from mg, i'm almighty and rich mindset. it just turns people off
i think A was quite upset with me when she came to complain to me about her classmates during recess cos i was talking to my friends. but she was reading her chem notes and she was bitching about someone i has no comments about. so when she saw B in the toilet, she dumped me.
and then during our meeting, i think she was still pissed. we were discussing about sentosa and meeting at 12. then she said this right in front of my face to B "hey, let's meet earlier to eat lar. don't need to ask seeyun. she never .... (i can't remember)"
bloody hell
bonnie called that "insensitive" but i call it "on purpose"
aishhhh.. i'm such a two-faced. i feel bad ranting about her, but i need to analyse the whole situation here or keeping it inside my body will kill me eventually if i don't let it out
based on some Act in Singapore Law, when you reach 21, should you meet with any accidents and is brain dead, your organs can actually be donated if you never indicated a preference not to. so it also means that us ignorant singaporeans never know of such laws, never sign any agreement yearly, hence it is up to the government to decide our fate.
and now, there's another law that states that at the age of 18, you can pledge organ donation.
i'm not against organ donation. i understand and recognize it's a good thing, but the whole talk on monday was an ultimate turn-off. because of that speaker, i think twice about organ donation. he was a horrible speaker. what he said was not felt in his tone. he said stuff about how important these donations are to many people who have been waiting for years for a kidney or a cornea. but he was shrugging, shaking his head, closing his eyes as if memorizing from a script. on the stage. and we could see all his actions because we were right in front. i was so put off and i think the whole cohort was cos we were laughing. i don't feel bad for him because i really do not see the passion in him. i mean being an organ coordinator, you need to know what's your job and truly care for the people. but i see and hear nothing in him.
ha, anyway, i'm not 18 yet. haha. don't have to be bothered about it yet.
i woke up at 3am and felt like my head could crack. it was like severe hangover. and today the whole day felt that i had drunk a lot last night and was recovering from alcohol overdose. BUT i did not drink anything last night. must be the errotic weather.
i like long weekends. and like i told bonnie and jo on thursday, it keeps occuring to me that monday is the start of a long holiday. bloody hell no. i've to go back to school tmr. i don't hate school, but sch's becoming so boring and busy. this week is gonna be a killer week, trying to plan the race for the J1s. but i'm going to sentosa this sat. sth to look forward to. apparently we have another 2 more long weekends this term.. may day and vesak day. haha. that kept me happy for a long time yesterday.
but the holiday been pretty boring. but i've found myself a econs tutor. *cross fingers* that she will help me do well for econs. i'm not expecting her to bring me up to an A, but at help me understand and go about doing econs essays and DRQ.
Thursday 14th April.. i was mentally drained. first i had a horrible day in school cos i kept forgetting my stuff. there's something really wrong with my short term memory. and i wasted taxi money. bloody hell. but the day was made better when we were chilling out in starbucks. yeah, but i couldn't sleep last night cos of the cuppacino i drank. caffine in the evening is BAD for you. i was still so energetic at 2am this morning.
and finally after a loong time, after so long into our friendship, i finally got to talk to her who is really close to my heart. i felt so sad for her and i don't really know what to do about it. yes, i can console her and assure her that i'll always be around, but sometimes i feel so torn about what i have to do and what i dare to do. it sucks when things get so tricky and you are the middleman. the instrumental key to unlock the mysteries of two individuals. it's really tough. but at least i know i made her feel better and i will try to be there for her more. and i really hope the other person doesn't disappoint me.
"it sure hurts when one of your closest friends start to drift apart"
i know how it feels and my way to deal with it or any relationship problems is so shut it off. by locking this problem in a compartment in your brain and hardwired yourself to never open the door or i will never able to handle what's going to gush out, that has been accumulating over time.
some people prefer to trash it out when some prefer to just keep it know to myself. i prefer the latter.
honestly, this is the only day of the whole week that i'm actually at home at 2.30 and i love it. school should be like that, but i really don't wanna go through or i don't think you guys wanna go through the whole ordeal of how our timetable sucks because our timetable is bloody the long. but oh well, we suffered in j1 or i don't see the whole point of complainin when we are already in j2 and into term 2. that's y i do not think that today's PCCG period was productive, by comparing our timetables with vj/rj. we all know why they have short time tables and i can totally understand how irritating it is when my rj friends can come out to me and say "my longest day ends at 2.30" as much as i want to strangle her, i realize that such a regime will not work in ac because our cohort has huge disparities and not filled with people comparing how many S papers they have. instead we are "oh no, what if we have to drop our 4th subj?" or worse, "oh no. i just failed As using my term exams grades." yeah, since there's no basis for comparison, therefore, just live it it.
and mdm's stretching-over-3-lessons study methods peptalk is .. aish.. useless. like how humans are built differently with different characters, we study differently. i believe everyone will take different routes to get to the same target. and although it's the same target at the same point, the path one takes may be hazardous to the other or you might trip over more pebbles and take a longer time to reach your point. so i don't see how sharing your 'study tips' are useful. i mean, duh, you have to memorize, you have to be disciplined. who doesn't know that. so i really don't think how it is possible to tell someone you study because everyone will study the same thing, but just at different pace and different time-tables. but ultimately you do the same thing.
i know for me, if it comes to memorizing history notes, i cannot be near anyone. i need to be locked up in my room on my bed, with the notes sprawled all over the floor, the sofa, the bed, a highlighter in my hand, reading the notes aloud to myself, and keep repeating the same points over a couple of times till it's stucked in my head. it's eccentric you would think, but if it helps me remember my stuff, i'd stick to being weird.
but of course, there are subjects that work best if you study in a group aka math. and maybe econs. but honestly, i still have not gotten the technique to go about studying econs. i really don't know how to plough through my notes and even if i study, i cannot answer questions, except MCQ. could it be i've been thinking of it as a SCIENCE subject, and i just read and understand, but not memorizing, so i can never get the termology right and hence, my essay or answers sound really non-economics and childlike. i think it's this problem and so, i suppose i have to pay a lot and i mean ALOT more time on it. it's the only subject that i'm REALLY disappointed in especially when you study a lot harder than you had for promos, but your grades are still the same.
something apart from mundane school stuff, bonnie and i were talking about death during assembly today. cos bonnie was like "my life sucks now. if i die tomorrow, i'll just regret not having fun" and hence we began this weird convo. but i think both of us are pretty much fine with death. i'm totally fine with death as in i don't fear if i were to die tmr, but i'm more afraid of people around me die. as a matter of fact, i dare not look into a coffin. i have never looked into one before.. it's one of this inborn fear. but for bonnie, it's more like what's life after death. because we are brought up with the idea of heaven and hell, the possibility of you going to hell after death simply puts off the whole idea of death and we just wish it's a world of nothingness. then so i said that when i die and it's a world of nothingness and i'll be a wondering soul, i wanna go travelling. then i'll be in the airplane and playing tricks on the travellers. haha, so fun. and i can go everyone for free, sitting first class plane, sleeping in first class suite and visiting the weirdest places even. first thing that came to my mind: zimbabwe. i am really fascinated by this african country at first in upper sec cos all our human geog maps are on this country. then more this year in history and gp. so i really wanna visit it. and namibia. or niger. all the african countries. i'd love to visit africa and safari. oooh.. *gush* yeah, so death aint a scary thing. but i want quick death not draggy death and you suffer so much before you die. and like bonnie said, it's not morbid, it's actually optimistic that you can think about death so lightly and be brave about it.
we always have weird conversations don't we. and last week, when jo wasn't around, moniza, bonnie and i are determined that we cannot be a virgin when we are 30 (or what? i cannot remember the age) and we will pay a handsome sum to some young man to get it done. haha. it's hilarious how 'desperate' we are.
and bonnie said something hurtful about my life on monday (i think). haha, she was like "seeyun, i can believe it. i thought you'd have a more interesting life than this"
hot hot heat- running out of time
Witless, humorless conversation
Has filled me up like an old gas station
I'm wallowing in a pool of gasoline
Self appointed sheriff of a popular ghost town
I'm open to bribes but I've arrested no one
I'm galloping off to meet my bride to be
She'll woo the saloon then sing us both to sleep
But... I'm running out of time
I'm running out of tim
eI'm running out of time
I've run out of time
Drop dead gorgeous art history drop out
Thought her father ought to pay for her to clear the whole shop out
She carries her cameras in hand to complete the look
Screenplay players co-writing a screenplay
Cotton candy for the eyes but cotton balls for the brain
He thinks to himself, "Thank God the bar's not too high."
Just look at his face and then you'll see why
But... I'm running out of time
I'm running out of time
I'm running out of time I've run out of time
Hollywood waiter with a chip on his shoulder
Only break has been his back and yet he's just getting older
He's washing his clothes in a sink of self-pity
Retired ball player guest-hosting a talk show
Earned a trophy and a wife and twice he's won the lotto
I'm running away but don't know who from or why
Just look in his eyes and then you'll see why
I'm running out of time
I'm running out of time
I'm running out of time I've run out of time
I'm running out of time
I'm running out of time
I'm running out of time I've run out of time
such a no brainer song that i listen to these days
haha. such a teenage-catchy poser song. but i used to like it. i think i still do sometimes for the cheesy lyrics. i really don't mind sch as in the cirricula, academics part. i think i've gotten very used to work after work after work. i am coping with it and i'm proud to say i'm so happy that i did all my tutorials.
but what i'm sick of and it's getting to my nerves more is the people.
there's this convo
bonnie: "wth! this hatred for them is what keeps me going?"
seeyun: "yeah i think so too. i'm getting really bitchy"
bonnie: "what if this hatred dies out. then there's nothing to drive me to work hard"
seeyun: "trust me, it will just keep growing"
it's not a pessimistic thought. it's a pragmatic thought. some certain people just make me so freaking irritated. i always say i'm not a righteous person and i really don't think i live to the title, but at least i'm brought up knowing what's right or wrong and what's being respectful and accomodating to other people's beliefs and orientation.
i used to think jolene was fine. i thought that she is cute and easygoing. but hella NO! she either changed or she had always been like that. it's more like acting cute or innocent for the sake of getting attention. and she accuses some classmates of whining/grumbling/boasting for attention but flirting/hitching up guys through acting all touchy and sweet and cute is infinity times worse. i used to think quite well of her, but now she makes me realized how innocent/dumb i was in the past when i saw this other side of her. and bonnie told me about that case during recess. i was FUMING!
please don't talk about how you love god and how godly a christian you are when what you do are definitely against your beliefs. we hear you but what you do are totally different. and actually this leads to not just one person in the class, but many of them. and it totally irks me. cos it's so hard to differentiate if they are nice or simply fake. i am not being sensitive or what. like say, pam, i of course know she is nice and ppl like amaria, she's real. but for the rest (you know who i'm referring to) i really cannot tell.
ah btw, its quite freaky to have random ppl calling me up when i didn't give my number out since 3 months ago. i really wonder how the 2nd-intakers get my number. then randoms will call me up and the easiest thing for me to do is to transfer them to the teachers. ha, i hate dealing with people who are so ignorant when we made an annoucement and i've a bloody notice board.
we were talking about socializing in school and it's gettin really tiresome. sigh. there are so much to think and do rather than sitting down to talk to new people or be nice to everyone. i'm trying to smile and make friends with the j1s but then it seems so hard cos they are so childish? i'm sure that's what the seniors thought of us but seriously, i think these j1s were hella lot worse than us last year.
i noe.. why bring this up again? cos today when i was trying to study in the library and it's meant to be a study hall kinda thing which obviously ppl keep their mouths shut and their ass to themselves. but there's this 4 j1s who were talking and laughing so bloody loudly. i glared at them and they still continue. i really wanna go up to them and say "fuck off to the vd if you wanna talk" but then i decided to keep my cool cos they are just not worth to be blacklisted by me. ha.
i'm starting to have this heck-care attitude. i know i've been bitching and of course, an eye meets an eye and the karma thing, i'll be bitched about somehow. but haha, i guess i've good bitching skills and EQ, so i don't think i've offended anyone really badly yet. call me two-faced. but i think that's how you have to deal with things. be neutral about people and then be horrid behind people's back, but be nice to friends. i treasure close friendship but i don't give a damn about aquantiances long as we acknowledge each other in sch.
i'm quite happy not only ppl in the class knows the pw to my blog. i would think only 3: jo, bonnie, aisyah. andre doesn't even know, but he chose not to know when i ask him if he wants to know okay! not my fault. lol. i kinda guessed once i've a pw, things i feel for the class will start pouring out and actually it's a good thing andre doesn't read this because he thinks that it's precisely why we dont' hang out with them that the class is so divided.
but i really do not think that's the case. i strongly believe in there are people that simply don't click even if you put them together in a close compound for two years. i strongly believe that it's the character thing. it's just like how cool-people have this radar on their head and they sense each other and how gays will know that you too are a gay. and if you don't have the radar, you just can't fit in.
and that's why our class is so different and it just happens to be this way. and i think most classes are split into two. just ask around. i'm sure there's no one class that is bonded as a class. we prolly are sensitive to each other but i am quite sure it's not the kind of close friendships that everyone forged with everyone in the class. it's just not possible. i can bet on that. ok, one will think that his/her class is very united because there's a majority of the class who can stand each other and you just happen to be in the majority, but what about those poor minority? do people actually make an effort to integrate them? or are they just not part of the class you are referring to? it's a phenomenon. it's a parallel to racial divides that happen all over the world, over centuries. from the burmese and the ethnic minorities, the black slaves and their white superiors to malays and chinese riots in 60s singapore and arborigines/whites/chinese in australia. we can minimize this split but can we truly solve it? think again.
from gayle to bonnie and now me.. check this out
http://www.singaporedemocrat.org/index.html
the other side of singapore politics or the other view on singapore politics. of course, what they say tend to be biased but they do have profound backing. i really admire the democrats sometimes. being driven to bankruptcy or humiliation most of the times, they are still determined to stand for the cause. truly it's all about free speech and freedom to vote.
i asked my mum the other day, why not she vote for the democrats if we don't have a walkover. my mum's reaction "are you crazy? you will be black-listed!" so much for voting. i think i asked jo who lived in the opposition party who their family voted for. apparently, they just gave a null vote. i'd do that too. it's not because i am anti-P A P or pro-S D P, i'm definitely not very interested in singapore politics nor would i like to put myself in hot soup. definitely P A P has provided us lots of goodies, but it's really a socialist state when we are trying to claim ourselves to be democratic. we are not democratic. period.
and sometime i've doubts about L K Y. if you read our history sbq notes, you will realize that he was actually a english-speaking ah-beng. pointing fingers at opposition, shouting, collaborations to achieve his ultimate aim, steathily converting to a different path when the communists lose their value. and gayle was telling us how he was indeed a communist when in the 1960s, mind you, guys were not allowed to have long hair, and they were made to do OT in the back scene to achieve this equality thing.
yes elections are here. and my parents got their progress package. i'm doubtful about the govt spending so much money to pacify their citizens. after elections, it's gonna be a time of gloom, and oh, we need pay cuts. we need to tax more.
politics is such a senstive issue to talk about in singapore. i might be a suspect of the opposition. have seeyun arrested.