Monday, January 23, 2006 @10:07 PM
time to update before i ditch him.
alot of thoughts were actually racing through my condensed head but i just couldn't find time or energy or discipline to sit on the computer and write a decent entry. sch's been good. been learning quite a bit. been scared off by valarie wilson this morning when she kinda reminded us how 10 months later, we will be cut off from misery. yet, i'm thinking positive. i'm not gonna repeat the scary, sarcastic, speech she gave us cos it's like "sigh. yes we know. damn. that sounds like my mum"
but this morning, some incident just happened and i just need a corner to clear my thoughts and see how i should go about solving the issue. which i doubt it's that easy since it's bugging me for the past 2-3 years.
i never know how to communicate with her. i don't know why our relationship descend to such a horrid state. it's worse than acquatiances i meet in sch whom i say 'hi and bye' to, cos i barely talk to her. and it's not that i don't want to, it's more like i don't know how to. i've been asked to try, and yes, of cos i tried. i've been trying for the past 3 years, but things just remained stale. whenever, i tried talking to her, she'd give me this scowl or un-interested look like i'm some asshole and she should not waste her time talking to me. and even if i dig in further and ask more questions, she'll irritably answer a one-word question. it gets fucking irritating but i just let the whole matter simmer and try again. i am still trying but i think i've reached the bottleneck. i am now so confused of who she is despite her being someone really close to me. i don't know how she's doing, i don't know what she wants to do, i don't know where are her futures, and even if i know, i know it from a secondary source, from them who will just leak in some news for me. but i don't understand: why can't she just open up and talk to me? it's not that hard considering people talk to me in sch, i talk to people in school. i can even start a conversation with a stranger, but why can't i make her talk to me?
she never initiates, i always did. the other she has been asking me why this happen. and i really don't know. i REALLY don't know. i'm ignorant and not because i chose to be, because i can't help it. maybe if she can tell me why, things would be better.
but today something made me almost flared up when she was so rude to T. she doesn't seem to appreciate what T has been doing for us and how much she has sacrificed for us. yes, she can talks to T pretty decently, but she always has this wall around her that even T has to think of ways just to please her. everyone just feels so pressured around her. and i don't freaking understand why? she is so young. she is supposed to be the listening party and not the commander. that's why i was so mad cos she just don't seem appreciative. maybe i'm not the kind who would treat her as a princess, could that be a reason?