Tuesday, October 25, 2005 @7:44 PM
Part I- Emptiness
It had been an exhausting day at work. I returned to our empty home, feeling weary and tired. As I looked about the two bedroom apartment, I yearned for your companionship. But you were elsewhere. I gently eased my tiresome body onto the beige leather loveseat that we had bought together and rubbed my forehead gently. You used to give me this same treatment whenever I come home with a frown on my face and my messenger bag slouching messily over my hunched body. I missed the treatment.
After resting for some time, I gathered myself and began cooking dinner. I made instant noodles again. Without you around, I no longer had the passion to cook anything but. The instant noodles, after tasting it so many times, have become bland. I ate at the dining table, while staring at an invisible figure of you, imagining the two of us, sharing a delightful dinner, laughing and talking about our day. It used to be like that.
Washing the bowl that was once hot and filled with delicacy, I watched as its remaining contents slowly swirled down the silver sink. The bowl was my heart- all my emotions have escaped me and I was left with nothing but an empty muscular cavity, merely contracting and pulsing to keep me alive. The bowl, once filled with contents, was emptied and cleansed of its residue. I stared at the clean empty bowl as I carefully wiped it with a dry cloth. Dried, I held it close to my heart as I headed for the cupboard. Reaching my arms high to return the bowl to its resting place, it escaped out of my trembling hand- it purposely leaped out of my hands. Clattering onto the marble tiled floor, the bowl broke into many pieces. Like my heart, it was shattered.
Darkness enveloped me the moment I stepped foot into your room. I looked around, searching for a sign of your existence, but I could not feel your presence. There was no one in the room. Only the furniture and decorations were left. I lay down on your bed, and immediately, the scent of us sharing the many adventures on this bed entered my senses. As I moved about on the bed, waving my arms like a bird, extending my legs to touch the end of the bed, it felt as if you were with me once more.
As I lay resting on your bed, thinking of you, I could feel your arms around my waist, your soft breaths sending warmth and moisture to my neck and your legs entangled with mine. Me and you on the same bed, breathing in unison, our hearts beating simultaneously. I almost did not want to wake up from this perfect dream. But reality came back to me when the doorbell rang madly.
I was reluctant to wake up from this dream that I’ve yearned for.
Part II- Completion
I dragged my unwilling soul out of bed and headed towards the wooden door that kept me isolated from the rest of the world. With my eyes only half-opened, I opened the door, revealing a figure that seemed awfully similar to you. I could not make clear of your features with my teary eyes, but I recognized the aura- the aura that surrounded you wherever you go.
You saw the tears in my eyes and pulled me into a hug. It was the same faithful hug that you used to give me whenever I cried. I wrapped my weak arms around you, digging my fingers into your body through the thick sweater, not wanting to let go of you anymore. I wept in your embrace as you held on to me, telling me that you were sorry, that you were back for good.
I was drowned in your alluring scent when I felt your rough hand lifting my chin ever so slightly. You gazed at me with those tender eyes that I’ve missed and inched in for a kiss I’ve missed so much. It was a kiss so meaningful. I could still remember that last kiss we've shared- it was filled with so much sorrow and grief. This one, however, was sweet and passionate, showing me your love.
I was completed by your soft, delicate touch.
Part III- Freedom
The bright happy sun shone through the sheer curtains and into your room. Opening my eyes, blinking a few times, adapting to the light, I looked around the lonely room. I looked to my side but you weren’t there. You were gone. Rubbing my eyes tiredly, I slowly came to realize that it was nothing but a dream. I was still alone.
Tears began to well up in my eyes as I stared at the pictures surrounding me. Your room, decorated with pictures of you and me, brought pain into my heart. A knife penetrating deeply into my already scarred heart.
The pain in my heart finally became unbearable to my vulnerable. I had to end this pain. Without a second thought, I ran out of the apartment. Climbing the many flights of stairs that seemed to be keeping me from my destination, I’ve finally reached the roof of the forty-eight story-building. The air, so fresh, sent chills down my spine as I walked bravely yet fearfully towards the edge. I had to end this pain of being alone, of being without you.
Reaching the edge of the roof, I stood on tiptoe to look down at what laid below me. I stared at the people, the objects below me with amusement. Lifting one foot onto the ledge, I paused and smiled. It would be the right thing to do. There would no turning back.
There I stood, on the ledge of the roof, looking directly below me. Afraid, I wanted to return to safety but my heart would not allow me to. I closed my eyes and thought about us- the happy times we’ve shared. That gave me an immense amount of courage to complete my life. The thought of you and me, reuniting as one in another place- in a place where there would be eternal happiness.
I lifted one foot off the ledge and extended it forward. Taking a deep breath, I slowly exhaled as I leapt off, sending myself flying down the building. As I flew, our memories flowed into my mind, as I felt my heart filling up with happiness and joy again. I was freed from pain and sorrow.
Finally, I was able to see you again, with your arms opened wide, ready to embrace me.
I was freed.
a/n: no no no. i'm not depressed. yes. i'm just a morbid person.