I CUT MY HAIR!! yeah, it is kinda short now, but my mum thinks it is still not short enough. oh well....

I was thinking about this problem HY (whoever you are.. i still have no idea! ^^) raised regarding the size of my blog. a year from now.. how huge will my blog be. that'd be interesting to know, considering i'm guilty for writing looooong entries, posting stories or posting weird, stupid pictures. maybe i should keep some of the posts I write in my computer. or imagine this. one faithful (sounds so primary school compo) night, a hacker crept into my account and deleted all my posts! or or or. one faithful night, blogspot is wiped out! i would cry, cos i've lost the posts that i wrote about my feelings on an event or an incident. Such feelings cannot be felt again. and i cannot re-write these entries again! AHHHHHH! *gasp*!! no. such scenerios cannot happen.

okok! i'm so drama-mama.

i realized my writing style changed alot since i started posting. at first, i was very apprehensive about blogging all my feelings online... after much brainwashing about internet is evil, internet is open, internet leads to rape and sex. yeah, secondary school CME taught me well. thus, i posted really general entries, entries that are good for GP. haha, seriously. you guys should just read my feb/mar posts. i post alot of articles and wrote my reviews on it.

however, as the time goes by, as i age, i got to be more personal (maybe that's when glin lost interest in my blog huh? lol) and i started writing more of my own feelings, own experiences and post some of my works.

haha, but dont worry guys, my blog won't be so boring as to me telling you what happen in my life everyday. nah, it won't evolve to that. slap or shoot me if i ever write "today, i went to school for a few periods. my friends were so great. i really love them. later, we went shopping. we bought blah blah blah. then we went to blah blah blah for lunch. we are cam whores. we took many pictures. here are the pictures. so cute rite?" yeah, just kill me if i ever write this way.

i need to complain about something though! i can't wait for PW to be OVER OVER OVER!!! omg! it is such a useless drag.
i pity those taking chinese this monday. hey, i can help if you guys need help. wo1 de4 hua3 wen3 hen2 hao3 de3. REALLY!!!!! must believe me! well, at least i got my A for Chinese A and an A2 for my higher chinese last year. not that bad ok. besides i write better than i speak! ok, i'm just promoting myself as a perfect chinese tutor for you. but it might be abit late. so just read chinese! compo is the best place to score. SERIOUSLY!

i'm currently in love with death cab for cutie. it's an indie band

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

yummy music

Part I- Emptiness

It had been an exhausting day at work. I returned to our empty home, feeling weary and tired. As I looked about the two bedroom apartment, I yearned for your companionship. But you were elsewhere. I gently eased my tiresome body onto the beige leather loveseat that we had bought together and rubbed my forehead gently. You used to give me this same treatment whenever I come home with a frown on my face and my messenger bag slouching messily over my hunched body. I missed the treatment.

After resting for some time, I gathered myself and began cooking dinner. I made instant noodles again. Without you around, I no longer had the passion to cook anything but. The instant noodles, after tasting it so many times, have become bland. I ate at the dining table, while staring at an invisible figure of you, imagining the two of us, sharing a delightful dinner, laughing and talking about our day. It used to be like that.

Washing the bowl that was once hot and filled with delicacy, I watched as its remaining contents slowly swirled down the silver sink. The bowl was my heart- all my emotions have escaped me and I was left with nothing but an empty muscular cavity, merely contracting and pulsing to keep me alive. The bowl, once filled with contents, was emptied and cleansed of its residue. I stared at the clean empty bowl as I carefully wiped it with a dry cloth. Dried, I held it close to my heart as I headed for the cupboard. Reaching my arms high to return the bowl to its resting place, it escaped out of my trembling hand- it purposely leaped out of my hands. Clattering onto the marble tiled floor, the bowl broke into many pieces. Like my heart, it was shattered.

Darkness enveloped me the moment I stepped foot into your room. I looked around, searching for a sign of your existence, but I could not feel your presence. There was no one in the room. Only the furniture and decorations were left. I lay down on your bed, and immediately, the scent of us sharing the many adventures on this bed entered my senses. As I moved about on the bed, waving my arms like a bird, extending my legs to touch the end of the bed, it felt as if you were with me once more.

As I lay resting on your bed, thinking of you, I could feel your arms around my waist, your soft breaths sending warmth and moisture to my neck and your legs entangled with mine. Me and you on the same bed, breathing in unison, our hearts beating simultaneously. I almost did not want to wake up from this perfect dream. But reality came back to me when the doorbell rang madly.

I was reluctant to wake up from this dream that I’ve yearned for.

Part II- Completion

I dragged my unwilling soul out of bed and headed towards the wooden door that kept me isolated from the rest of the world. With my eyes only half-opened, I opened the door, revealing a figure that seemed awfully similar to you. I could not make clear of your features with my teary eyes, but I recognized the aura- the aura that surrounded you wherever you go.

You saw the tears in my eyes and pulled me into a hug. It was the same faithful hug that you used to give me whenever I cried. I wrapped my weak arms around you, digging my fingers into your body through the thick sweater, not wanting to let go of you anymore. I wept in your embrace as you held on to me, telling me that you were sorry, that you were back for good.

I was drowned in your alluring scent when I felt your rough hand lifting my chin ever so slightly. You gazed at me with those tender eyes that I’ve missed and inched in for a kiss I’ve missed so much. It was a kiss so meaningful. I could still remember that last kiss we've shared- it was filled with so much sorrow and grief. This one, however, was sweet and passionate, showing me your love.

I was completed by your soft, delicate touch.

Part III- Freedom

The bright happy sun shone through the sheer curtains and into your room. Opening my eyes, blinking a few times, adapting to the light, I looked around the lonely room. I looked to my side but you weren’t there. You were gone. Rubbing my eyes tiredly, I slowly came to realize that it was nothing but a dream. I was still alone.

Tears began to well up in my eyes as I stared at the pictures surrounding me. Your room, decorated with pictures of you and me, brought pain into my heart. A knife penetrating deeply into my already scarred heart.

The pain in my heart finally became unbearable to my vulnerable. I had to end this pain. Without a second thought, I ran out of the apartment. Climbing the many flights of stairs that seemed to be keeping me from my destination, I’ve finally reached the roof of the forty-eight story-building. The air, so fresh, sent chills down my spine as I walked bravely yet fearfully towards the edge. I had to end this pain of being alone, of being without you.

Reaching the edge of the roof, I stood on tiptoe to look down at what laid below me. I stared at the people, the objects below me with amusement. Lifting one foot onto the ledge, I paused and smiled. It would be the right thing to do. There would no turning back.

There I stood, on the ledge of the roof, looking directly below me. Afraid, I wanted to return to safety but my heart would not allow me to. I closed my eyes and thought about us- the happy times we’ve shared. That gave me an immense amount of courage to complete my life. The thought of you and me, reuniting as one in another place- in a place where there would be eternal happiness.

I lifted one foot off the ledge and extended it forward. Taking a deep breath, I slowly exhaled as I leapt off, sending myself flying down the building. As I flew, our memories flowed into my mind, as I felt my heart filling up with happiness and joy again. I was freed from pain and sorrow.

Finally, I was able to see you again, with your arms opened wide, ready to embrace me.

I was freed.

a/n: no no no. i'm not depressed. yes. i'm just a morbid person.

bonnie! this stupid song is stuck in my head. and no! i'm not dirty-minded. it's all bonnie's fault
willie wanker~ willy wanker~ the amazing masturbator.
and you just go on and on with this stupid song!!! haha. ok, now i shall try to influence all of you guys. muahahahaha
willie wanker~ willie wanker ~ the amazing masturbator
.......
sheez, now it's more stuck in my head

alritey, i'll post a short story that i wrote later...

oral presentation here i come...
I&R die!!

this post is merely about people in GENERAL. no targets or personal attacks (:

Yesterday set me to think about my year in acjc. i love the hanging out sessions with my mg besties. the conversations shared, though always light-hearted and humourous, often led me reflecting about the various incidents and my own experience in ac. maybe it's the fact that you hear different experiences from your long-time friend in a different jc. it came upon me that i'm actually very fortunate to be in ac, whereby no one is a one-man show, no one knows nothing about studies, and no one is so badly led astray. in mg, it's sad yet privileged that we are really sheltered from all vice and diseases. therefore jc would be a mega step towards the real world. yet, ac is still relatively sheltered, something that i'm glad about. i'm not implying that i'm not mature or not ready for the outside world, but it's more of i want to take it slow. yes, between jc and secondary life, there is a wide river of lava. you either cross it well and survive the cross-over or you fall into the pit and get melted/dissolved. thus, how you treat your jc life or simply what jc life offers you truly determines your future.

i'm proud to say i feel more AC than MG, in the sense that the AC spirit is a lot more stronger than MG spirit, which is something i've taken granted of. i always thought it is the same in every other jc.. the rafflesian spirit or the 'once a saint, always a saint'. but it proves otherwise after my convos with my darlings. maybe it is a biased point of view, but it holds some truth and can also be identified in many events. i don't really want to go into too much details cos you never know who's reading my blog. thus this generalized sweeping comments.

we moved on discussing about the new friendship bonds as well as how much our old friends have changed so much that we grew more distant from them. again, i'm quite happy that i've found my new clique in class (yup, you know who you are) and most of my besties have too found their own cliques in their respective schools/classes. a thought struck me then. how about the other friends made in AC? are they really friends or mere acquaintances? for me, it would not matter so much because it's always in me that it's better to make more friends than foe and i'm the kind who would like to keep in contact with most people. yea, therefore whether a friend or an acquantiance would not make much of a difference long as i've my close friends around me and i would just treat everyone a friend to simplify matters A LOT!!! (: another school of thought of mine: why bother to think so much about a relationship? you have nothing to lose just more to gain when you have more friends. yup!

regarding how people have changed, there's always positive and negative sides. well, DEBO.. you are mentioned in here! well, you have changed for the better.. from a sheryl who is in your school and from my deference of your posts in your blog. he's a good guy yeah. you've become more mature and less whiny (yay!). yup, so just stay together yeah! (: yeah, although you might not be enjoying yourself so much in there, always think on the bright side: you have him and you have us (awwwwww..). you know we were so sad you can't join us yesterday! just hope that you can hang out again after OP and your stinky chinese AO. heh.
negatively, yeah, there's this person in particular but i don't really want to mention. it's not that bad, just a similar mindset shared by all my friends. just keep it among us, yeah?

i kinda realized that whenever we had a a2 bestie outing, i'll always have something to post. and i read back my previous post, i realized that my mindset changed a HELL LOT. the previous post was about how everyone's struggling to fit into the jc system, into our own class, finding our own cliques. but now, after a couple of months, when our j1 so-called relaxed life is coming to a close, we have all matured and learnt and integrated or (a negative word) disillusioned into the jc curriculum. jc life never allows time to reflect. j1 has just gone in a flash and i was very very very disappointed with what i have achieved academically. should i have been more of a mugger? are my study methods ineffective? have i really neglected my studies and took the As too lightly? well, such thoughts definitely run in most people's minds, especially when most of us have done horribly. well, just wanna say to all (as well as myself): sorry! too bad! it's too late to regret! hah! *lol. so mean* but hey wait, what we can do now, is realize our mistakes.. seriously looking through our scripts and see where we have done wrong. have we been overly confident (which i have for math.. that was a major disappointment. i'm still.. sighing..)? talking about promos, yes. i've done badly if you are interested to know. it's really saddening that i might have to drop a subject but to quote from someone (hah), i'll "cling on the subject". i think the 4th subject really acts as a crutch for the fact that i'm doing Chinese A and my higher chinese/chinese AO is seriously of no use cos of the exam criteria. if i were to drop the 4th subject, i'll have to pass all 3 subjects and GP, which i still don't have the confidence in. well, if you want to know, my 3rd and 4th subject results are really different from my other 2. REALLY.

so much for random rambling.
i finally found time to listen to music again. lots of korean and into micheal jackson right now (thanks to jo's CD. mj rocks.) and i'm writing a short story. will post it after i'm done (:

i got to say though this is the most tiring (physically and mentally), it's the best camp i have ever been to. seniors said it was "an experience of a lifetime". before the camp, i was super negative "yeah, experience (tragedy) of a lifetime". but after these 4 days, i felt that i've grown and learn a lot through the camp as well as interaction with my groupies. i'll just give you a brief review on the more important days of the camp. day 1 was nothing much coz there are much admin stuff to do and we only start camp in the afternoon. besides, everyone's a stranger in day 1. no one bothers to initiate talk with anyone. i was quite thankful i know some people in the group.. one an ex-mg girl, one my ex-ahr classmate, one my og mate. so overall, i suppose i'm not as lost or as uneasy as the other groupies.

day2 was the start of our much waited activities. i had 9 hours of rope course which contirbuted to the burnt skin on my face. we had this rope course 2 which basically challenges the limit of your mental strength. one of the elements is this "vertical pole of faith". you are being belayed up this long pole and you have to stand on it and jump down. the scary part is not about jumping cos you trust your belayers who are keeping you safe. but the whole point is the pole you are standing on is shaking freakily badly. that's the part that makes me scared. ha. we did so many such elements that at the end of the day we are not scared of heights anymore cos we are so tired for being scared.

the other rope course was about rock-climbing. actually, this is a must-do in most team-bonding camps and stuff. shan't dwell much into that cos most people should have similar experiences. basically, what i like about it is the debrief which clearly shows the mentors' intention in making us do this rope course. since it is a leadership camp, everything revolves around team and us as leaders. one of the few aspects is trust which i feel is really important. you have to trust your exco in getting the job done or you'll be so busying doing everything by yourself or worse, you might not even get the job done. another was the part about the different routes in dealing a problem. when we are rock-climbing, there are many routes you can take but you are unaware of it or too pre-occupied about it. so you need your belayer or friends below to guide you along cos they have the 'big picture'. similarly to apply it into my own context, when it comes to doing a job, many people have different ideas about doing it. it is only good if we take in suggestions and explore these ways before condemning it. similarly, when you are faced with a difficulty, shouldn't we take a step back, look at it again on the whole and think of alternative ways of solving it.

after these 9 hours.. no.. that's not the end of the day. we played 'Operation DoDo bird' which is basically a war game. the 8 groups we have are divided into groups of two. we have to plant a 'bomb'(which will start ringing once it is planted), diffuse the bomb the enemy had planted on our site, save this secret agent (which is hidden in the female toilets and only females can do this task), kill the general, lieutanants or ordinary soldiers to accumulate points. basically we have tags on our back which is supposed to be snatched/grabbed off by the rival team in order to consider us dead. and the whole area whereby we played the game was totally dark and it's foolish to use the torch as you have just exposed yourself. so it's like running blindly. it seriously feel like at war cos the guys are crazy. they come in herds and don't mind surrounding the girls. i think some forgot that there are girls playing so they basically grab us around and try to snatch the tag off us. well, my role was to protect our bomb site to prevent the rival team from planting the bomb with some other friends. but the guys came in herds (again) and they just pushed their way around into the bomb site. yeah, after that, we quickly diffuse the bomb and run as fast as we could back to the safe place. you see the bomb site is the heavily concentrated area as it's basically using the 'search and destroy' tactic (like LBJ strategy in Vietnam War) and not ambush. so it's basically, unless you are rough and determined to kill everyone, it's not advisable to stay in there as it is really heavy in numbers. hmm, later, i was part of this suicide group to break our way into the female toilet so that some other girls can get in and save our secret agent. wow, that was intense fighting and that determines my death. the guys were standing in front of the toilet so we din care and just push our way in. the commotion was crazy and to think back, hilarious. everyone was above everyone and my friend got injured cos this guy just sat on her. yeah, so basically my tag was ripped off at that time because i made the mistake of forgetting there are enemies behind and i just concentrated in getting the guys out and forgot about my tag. but i guess we were overall successful as judith managed to crawl her way in and we are the group to save our secret agent. yup, so at the end we won because we save our agent, we killed all 5 of their lieutanants who are worth 20 points each. wondering what our general has been doing. both groups decide to hide our general who is worth 50 points instead of letting them meet face-to-face. yeah, so both generals are hiding somewhere discreet and protected by soldiers and lieutanants. i love this game cos it was so FUN. and it feels really at war. all the history terms and everything.

ha, we only got to bath at 11, close to 12 and lights off at around 12.30. and guess what, we had a fire drill at 3 am. being a deep sleeper, i'm like "wtf". ha, but i went back for my 2 and a half hours sleep.

day 3: we played situational games and built a raft. i would say this is also the day where our team really bonded as one. it feels good at the end cos we felt accomplished and the satisfaction that our group has shown tremendous improvement. basically we built a raft that is damn heavy and we only use it for 100m in the sea. but the good thing is our raft is very sturdy. but ha, we gotta carry it back to the boat shed and the road is narrow and grassy and rocky. with the extra load which weighs like a ton, we were dying along the way. the guys at the back and front who did most of the work were seriously shagged. but we took many breaks and encouraged everyone along the way. we cheered, sing our group cheer and basically encouraged everyone along the way. "go patton go. go patton go" "patton patton. uh-oh uh-oh. break the rules. uh-oh uh-oh. go patton break the rules". it was hella tiring but again, fun!

later in the night, it was campfire. yeah, usual campfire.. singing of songs, putting up skits, cheering. quite fun. and it was one of the most relaxing activity in the camp. ha, but our night doesn't end at just that. again, at 3 am, there was the siren. ha, not a fire-drill. but we assembly to do PT (physical training) 3am!!!! haha, we did pumping and alot of the usual army drills. there was a pumping session that makes us shout "AC" instead of counting off. AC is unlimited (literally) so we did like.. don't know how many pumping. but at least we were let off from doing PT in the morning.

last day, we went back to ACJC. first, we had this "attire in 5min" thing. at first we are all in t-shirts and shorts. we are made to change into our school-uniform which white socks in 5 mins, then changed into official AC PE attire in 2 mins, then into long-sleeve and long pants for sleeping with slippers in 4 mins and eventually, taking off all underwear and changed into our swim wear with pe attire on the outside and in shoes. crazy, but we did it.

then, we hade our final challenge. there are many obstacles to go through and it is the final game that see how far we have learnt and how well we have learnt. first we were made to bring a list of things along with us. then we have to build a stretcher that will carry this casualty (a group member who is in comatose.. literally). yeah, we built the raft beside the poolside, in swim wear, under the heavy rain and chilling wind. we were like "keep close for warmth". later, we gotta carry the stretcher with the casualty into the swimming pool and swim 50m across the pool with everyone holding on the stretching. changing back into pe attire, we then make our way out to cross this tunnel which is on the grass. so duh, we all turn muddy and grassy. later, the 13 of us were given 6/7 chairs at the basketball court. we are supposed to cross from one base-line to the other together without touching the ground of the basketball court. it was the most tiring part cos everyone really got to hold on to each other cos it's like 3 people to 1.5 chair. after this, we gotta cross this drain which was flowing like a river due to the bad rainy weather. this was relatively easy. then we ran 5 rounds round the field and gotta cross a few obstacles. it would be easy without the stretcher and the casualty. but the fact that we have, we gotta take rest in between. then we had to run back to the sports complex and do our final element. there is a hula-hoop tied between two pillars and we got to make our way into the hula-hoop without touching it. so, again, it's team work at work. we were quite fast at that cos we have strong guys and everyone knows what to do. in the end, we ended up 2nd. but i think we will prolly lose out in the end due to penalties. we forgot to bring along with us this whole bag of slippers. ha, but we didn't think much about it cos everyone was so happy as everyone did a terrific job. Hip hip hurray for patton!

yeah, so basically, thoughout the camp, patton (my group) really bonded as one single unit and worked together to achieve our ultimate goal. to clarence, ben, pat, huimin, sihua, tong ni, chin yen, pei qian, hawyi, brendan, kenn, PK, raj and julius, thanks for being part of patton! (:

ha. promos are finally officially over. i'm being 'liberated' as quoted from ruth but we are also super 'fucked up' as quoted by bonnie. hmm, i'm just happy that this whole drama is over and i'm not looking foward to the final episode as i'm predicting it to be quite sad. so it's like a mixed feeling. why am i using the analogy of a drama. ha, that's cos i just watched the final episode of this drama by kimura takuya. jo would know... pride. obsession. definitely not with kimura. but the fact that it evolves ice-hockey. the determination seen by the hockey players. there are a few lines that i found really meaningful.

"ice-hockey players are sacrificial human beings yet they are often blind to the public" (it's sth to this extent. the coach talking to halu in the prison cell. jo can edit me if it's wrong)
"i realized that i love no one in the world..... except aki" (so sweet)
"have you tried your best?" (halu scolding and beating up this young hockey player cos he had a phobia after being hit hard in a game)
*the clenching of hand at the heart* *the guyish handshake* all these symbolizes friendship and it's damn sweet
and of course "maybe" and later "must be"

relating back to my personal life, i'll be going for CCAAB camp aka the CCA leadership camp which also has the meaning of evil, harsh, crazy bootcamp. yah, maybe i'm exaggerating but it's my prediction. plus it's a bloody 4-day long. haha, funny thing gayle did. she refused to hand up the camp fees, hoping that they would kick her out of the camp. but of coz, they did not.

it feels so weird typing for a post again. and blogger died on me like twice. alrite, to give it a brand new start, here's a song...

Straylight run- mistakes we knew we were making

And all our sins,
Come back to haunt us in the end,
To hang around and tap us on the shoulder,
And smile silent,
It's all implied,
You'll die trying to live this down,
You might as well forget it,
Still I'm convinced,
Wondering what if is the worst thing there is,

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be,

And all these lines fall short of what I had in mind,
A failed attempt to capsulize a feeling,
So I just try,
Fail and try and try again,
Someday I swear I'm going to get it,
Because I'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is,

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be,

We'll get over it,
Sad, strong, safe, and sober,
We'll move forward,
And know where we went wrong,
But you can't go home again,
You can't go home again,
You can't go home again,
You can't go home again,
You can't go home again!
You can't go home again!
You can't go home again!!!

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be.

seeyun
mgs acjc
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